Returning to blogging is difficult for me, but I strongly feel it’s very necessary.  I’ve rewritten my first paragraph about four times already, because I don’t know where to start again. I’m determined to get through this, though, so I’m just going to stick with whatever I type this go round.  Today is actually the first day in nearly a month that I’ve felt like myself.  I’m sad and weird and life is slightly surreal, but the underlying me-ness is assertive today.  That’s weird, because yesterday was absolutely horrible, for no real reason except that it was.

Most of the people who read this blog probably know by now that my brother didn’t just die, he committed suicide.  Specifically, he hanged himself.  It hurts very badly to type that out. Originally, I wasn’t going to even bring that up on here, but it’s all I’ve thought about in the past weeks, and I really don’t have to worry about protecting his privacy anymore, do I?  Much of my talk on the 7 Habits sprung directly from conversations the two of us had been having about becoming more productive, effective people, and dealing with others.

I haven’t known what to do with myself, so I’ve done one of the things I do best — research.  It turns out that suicide is one of the most traumatic of all griefs to weather.  Murder doesn’t even trump it, because with suicide, the survivor deals with all the emotions of a murder plus knowing that the very person they are mourning was the murderer.  Complicated emotions are hard to deal with, and every single thought I’ve had is common.  The most important decision I can make is to allow myself to feel them, and not torture myself for feeling or showing pain.  If I can’t talk to my usual friends, I need to find somewhere to talk.

I’ve read estimates of 2-8 years before I pull myself together.  I’ve read lots of “don’t make any big life decisions for a year” speeches.  These statements produce an angry That’s unacceptable!!! from my brain.  But I have to admit, that when I think about my plans to return to school, and think of taking the math placement tests I’ve got sitting in my inbox, that same brain screams at me that I’ve got more important things to be thinking on.  Of course, figuring this mess out isn’t going to happen, but nurturing myself and taking the time to grieve and mourn and get my head on straight is better spent now than years down the road breaking down because I sucked it up and didn’t embarrass myself.

My thoughts on blogging have changed drastically in the past few weeks.  Actually, since last week was the first week I wasn’t dealing with funeral arrangements, family, or a kid in the hospital, I should say that last week I thought long and hard about my worries about this blog and decided I just didn’t care as much about privacy or about what my readers thought about my posts, at least for a while.  Ladyglutter.com will be filled with my struggle, and I have no idea how long that might last.   While I won’t be laying my soul completely bare here, I have some major healing to do.  I’m usually very private with my struggles, but this has become so life-altering that I am really forced to be open about what’s going on, anyway. If a small part of that is working it out on the web, at least this way I haven’t totally abandoned something that I really enjoy.  Even if blogging is hard and I ramble something fierce, this way I’ll keep doing it.

As for my tiny audience, I love you guys, but right now, my foremost concern is myself. I have to get to where I can think straight.  I’ve already seen that there some people are not able to deal with my dwelling on intense personal pain.  If you stop reading, I won’t be judgemental. I can deal with it, writing is cathartic to me, even  if no one reads what I write.  I also might attract some voyeurs.  If that happens, I can only hope that the things I type will help someone else out there who is either struggling, or knows someone else who is.

Hey everybody.  Thanks for the support.  It means alot.  I think I’ve aged about 10 years in the past week.

Blogging really doesn’t hold a lot of appeal for me right now, but I want to keep some semblance of a routine up for my own mental health.  The lesson that your thoughts and responses shape your life has really been reinforced to me, and I want to be back to healthy and happy.  It’s possible that I’ll talk about my brother later, or my grief, or something, but I don’t know. I have found that writing out some of the garbage helps, but right now it’s really hard. I just hope that anyone reading this would remember in the hardest times of life, someone out there does love you, and would probably give anything to help you through whatever it is.

In other news, while I was gone, my husband installed Ubuntu on my computer, and it’s giving me absolute fits.  Originally I wanted a dual-boot, but I had a very irritating issue with Vista and Windows Update that kept recurring, so I had already decided to wipe it and start fresh. Hopefully the switch will be worth it. Coming home to a brand new computer is good. Right now I feel overwhelmed, in part because my brain is just not liking that I am forcing it to focus. I keep finding all sorts of bugs everywhere I turn. I appreciate this, because I’ve already learned much more by having to troubleshoot than I expected.

While I like to plunge headlong into things, I’m finding that troubleshooting isn’t enough to help me understand.  Today I’m going back to the beginning.  I plan on reading the Ubuntu Pocket Guide. The forums are there for me, too.  I know there’s some Ubuntu vets out there, somewhere.  Anyone have any suggestions for reading material or other aids?

Dashama has started up a second 30 day yoga challenge, and I’m in! It’s not too late to join in with me, if you’d like.  All you have to do is go to youtube and search for her channel, and subscribe.  You check in to see the daily workout.  They’re not terribly long or time consuming, but they can be quite challenging.  The first day was a fast paced variation on the sun salutation that she encourages everyone to do every day of the 30 days.

Day 2 was on nutrition, and today is on meditation. So, there’s not that much you’ve missed as far as actual moves, if you want to hop on in for the month of June. I’ve been a slacker over the month of May, so this is a great kickstart for me to get back to my goals of being flexible and strong.

I’m also working on my 100 pushups, but I’ve allowed myself to get sidetracked there, too. Next week will be the third first week. I’m trying to get my family involved, too, but if that doesn’t work, then I’ll have to admit it and move on for myself. I’m planning to pair this with the 200 squats and 200 situps programs that are on the page, too.  That will take care of my strength and endurance building for the next 6 weeks.  Thirdly, Sarah has pointed me towards Run University. I’m really inspired by the couch to 10k program, so I’m going to try it.  Again, schedule and family threatens to interfere, so I haven’t quite worked out how I’m going to work this in just yet.  I’m working on it.  Just writing this up should keep me a bit more honest with myself.

I’d love to hear what you’re currently doing, or your plans, or even thoughts about my plan.  For me, all of these goals are pretty ambitious. Am I balancing goals that will motivate me well with a plan that won’t overtax me?  I’m hoping so.  I’m excited, because I’ll tackle strength, flexibility, and cardiovascular health.  This is the first time I’ve really come up with a plan that addresses all of those with goals for each.  Also, each of the programs starts small, so I’ll be working my way up instead of crashing and burning the first week. I’m hoping that the yoga augments the others well, by providing my muscles with some protection and counter stretching to all of it, so that’s what I’m using as my catalyst to take care of myself.

Today we celebrate the beautiful planet we call home! All over the world, Earth Day celebrations are planned, concerts being held, and donations being made.  Disney is releasing Earth,the first movie in its nature series today.  I can’t wait to go see that one!  The trailers for that are gorgeous, and it looks so interesting !   Since you’ve probably already seen that, though, I’ll share this look at the Earth from the international Space Station, courtesy of NASA.

Around our house, I’m going to do some talking with the kids about why our family makes some of the choices we do.  Walking to school is normal for us. We always use tap water instead of bottled water.  The thermostat is completely off, and we’re trying to acclimate ourselves to a broader range of temperatures in the house.  Alabama has moody springtimes, so this has been a bit of a struggle lately. I’ve been compromising by only running the fan when it gets stuffy, unless we have company.

There is so much room for improvement, though.  Today will also be a good time to make a few changes.  My family hasn’t been recycling lately, and that bugs my conscience to no end.   I finally found out the hours for the local facility, and we’re going to remedy that situation immediately.  We’ve already spent some extra time outdoors enjoying the gorgeous spring weather, but I’m planning a bit more.  We’ll go walking later on, armed with trash bags and focusing on cleaning up the paths as we go along.  It will be a fun, simple way to share some constructive time with the kids.

Are you doing anything in celebration?

(If you don’t know Killa, this won’t make much sense.  He’s one of my RS buds who is going through an awful time right now.  I don’t know all the details, but even if I did, they’re not mine to tell.  I’m simply making a place where everyone can send out their good vibes to him.)

Killa Str25, you’re one of the good ones.   We hate that you’re going through this right now.   Knowing you has made my life better, even if it is just pixels in an online game where you pretend to be an adventurer.   You’ve always been positive and kind.  People can really be jerks when they have a computer screen to hide their real face.  But even when you were in a foul mood, and someone was trying to piss you off, you always seem to try your hardest to just turn around and walk away rather than be nasty.  You’ve got a lot of heart and I know your family loves you a lot.  The RuneScape community can’t do a whole lot for you right now, but at least we can send you some love.

Springtime has me craving some real dirt time, and I’ve been spending a lot of online time looking at plants and agriculture and gardening news. I’m a city dweller, living in apartments.  Happily, I live right across from the city’s Botanical Gardens, so I have more green in my life than many cityfolk. The Gardens are free, with a donation box out front if you want to contribute.  In the Japanese Garden, the cherry trees are in full lacy, frilly bloom beside the tranquil rock garden and koi pond.  This is my favorite place to do morning yoga or quiet contemplation.

Our legislators have gardening on their agenda, too.  HR 875, the Food Safety Modernization Act of 2009, was brought to my attention via TennZen’s  informative article about the legislation.  (She also recently wrote a cool post stating eastern redbud pods are edible.  They apparently are very similar to snow peas!)   If this bill passes, federal government would establish a food safety administration that would supercede state authority.  Minimum standards would be enforced for “food establishments,” and violations would cost $1 million per violation, per day.  Washingtonwatch.com has a discussion going, with people pointing out Monsanto’s influence and the implications for organic farmers.   “Food establishment” is actually such vague wording that it could extend all the way to family gardens.   Attacking the backyard garden is hitting below the belt any day, but especially in times of economic hardship.  Here’s hoping this legislation languishes in committee.

I’m aware that pesticides make it possible for farmers to supply the world with nutritious food more efficiently. Without modern crop management, many more people would be starving worldwide.  Still, there are health issues with consuming pesticides, and some produce is more susceptible to contaminated by pesticides than others.  For a general rule of thumb, thick protective skins keep pesticides from absorbing into the vegetable.  For those items that do carry more pesticide exposure risk, I buy organic when I can afford it.

Although some will tell you there is little difference, organic food usually tastes better to my family. Organic produce is often more local, and closer suppliers means that food is not harvested too early and allowed to mature on the shelves. A strawberry picked out of the garden tastes so much more vibrant than a California grown strawberry that has been sitting on a truck for a week. Recently, I’ve been looking at Grow Alabama to supply my family’s veggies, though I haven’t taken the plunge.   Does anyone have any experience with them?  They seem reasonably priced, but it really depends on how much food each plan truly provides.  Foregoing the opportunity to hand select my produce is another drawback.   I’ve been intending to visit the Alabama Farmer’s Market for a while, so that option is open to me as well.

When I do have the opportunity to garden, I try to go organic. I’ve learned all sorts of tricks, like how to avoid hornworms in tomatoes simply by planting marigolds and sage in with them. These tricks also add some variety to the garden’s appeal.  Right now,  I’m limited to the the tiny plot in my front yard, or in pots on the walkways leading into the apartments.  I usually like to plant herbs, but my mint disappeared recently.  I’ve had trouble with my basil disappearing in the past, too, so I’ve got to figure out the safest place for that barest minimum of greenery.  My mint will need to grow strong and healthy now, to last through the summer months.  Mint tea is a requirement for an Alabama summer.

I have a bum shoulder.  Years ago, it randomly decided to seize up on me.  It was getting better, and then I was in a wreck.  Shortly thereafter, I was unable to lift my arm above shoulder level.  Simply holding my arms straight out to the sides was torture.  The doctors told me I had a  frozen shoulder and that not much was known about the condition.  I had two treatment options.  I would have to choose between a lifelong addiction to pain medication or a surgery that had only a 30% success rate.  I rejected those choices, and tried a new approach. The chiropractor I visited next told me that the reason I hurt all over is that I had developed fibromyalgia.  That was even worse!  I didn’t want to have what many consider to be an imaginary disease that sucked the life out of me.

Not liking any option I was given, I went fully into research mode.   I learned so much about alternative medicines and coping therapies.  I wasn’t going to submit to pain like that at the age of 22.  It took years of work.  I did visit my physical therapist and return to the chiropractor for a long time, and both helped tremendously. Taking the time to truly take time off of work, and sleep, allowing my body to heal itself did a lot, as well.   I worked it hard, rested it harder, and truly changed my life and body.  I remember how proud I was when I first could raise my arm straight above my head. Yes, there are days when it aches, especially if the weather is changing, but having full mobility may as well be healed in my book.

It’s amazing that an injury that was so frustrating and painful could be so life changing for me.  Even though I had previously hated my body, distrusted it, and thought it was incapable and unathletic, I had changed all that.  It was still the same body, but my outlook had changed.  Where before, I’d go to the gym and wuss out the second I encountered difficulty, I learned that the phrase “I can’t” was poison.  That is one of the lessons I continue to learn over and over.  Lately I’ve been trying some new things in addition to my regular workouts.  I’m hitting some walls, though.  My impulse is to give up and say I can’t, but I know better.  I can do this, if I just will be patient.

For the month of March, I’ve been doing each of the daily exercises on Dashama’s youtube channel.  Yoga has appealed to me for years. I have done a little on my own. I haven’t had access to a good yoga instructor. The gym I use has a class, but it meets so early in the morning it’s inaccessible to me.  I tried using a book, but I had so many questions and the descriptions weren’t working out for me.  I had so many excuses to do poorly and give it up, that I did.  This time, I’m really enjoying it.  I do a sun salutation and then her ten minute daily stretch.  Even though it isn’t much time commitment, it’s often extremely challenging.   Dashama makes it easier though.  She’s sexy, upbeat, and loving.    I actually believe her when she says she hopes I have a beautiful day. Since I’m only using her youtube channel, I’m getting an amazing value.

I’m also doing another program.  The goal of this one is 100 consecutive pushups by the end of the program. It is supposed to take six weeks, but my first time at this was right before the holidays. I’ve been majorly derailed a few times, but every time I’ve picked up again.  I’m not strong enough yet for a full pushup, so I’m doing the modified knee (girly) pushup.  The first time I tried this, I couldn’t even crank out that first pushup on my knees.  My wrists would not support me.  This week, my sets totalled 80, 100, and 120. I’m matching the sets with equal sets of squats and crunches.

Both programs rock, in their own way.  Combined with my regular workouts, I am kicking my own tail.  Every time I get sick or have a long day, I have to start over.  Daylight Saving Time made it brutal.  I wasn’t satisfied with the work I did this week, probably because of the fatigue.  So I’m redoing this week, but not giving up.  Part of me wants to scream, Failure! 6 weeks, ha, more like 6 months. I just put the mute button on that voice and remember that I can do this.  Patience doesn’t come easily to me. If I can’t grasp it immediately, I want to do something else.  That won’t help me to grow.  Perserverence and refusing to give up will.