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The Out of the Darkness Walk was a huge success in terms of turnout and money raised. Personally, I cried my head off. I cry easily anyway, but I felt terrible about it as everyone else seemed to have a smiley face.  Out of all those people, almost all of them were walking because someone they knew had been lost to this.  A few were just being supportive, of course.  But all those people were changed somehow by suicide, and so many of those hearts had this awful burden to bear.

So I couldn’t find it in me to smile or put on a brave face. It’s awkward and bizarre walking to benefit the prevention of something I knew next to nothing about just a few months ago. I suppose I should feel a kinship with all these people.  Instead, I found myself feeling alone.  I have felt very much alone in the last few months.  I try to reach out, and people will meet me halfway, but I feel my trust in nearly everyone is so damaged.  I mean really, who is going to burn me next? Working past that feeling is a real struggle.

To make matters worse, an acquaintance on FaceBook is telling the world how he doesn’t want to go on living.  At the same time, he claims not to be suicidal, but he sounds so familiar.  I’m not sure if he’s being melodramatic and trying to get attention, or he really needs help.   My brother was very melodramatic.  Suicide seems melodramatic to me, still.  Of course I have to reach out to the friend, and I am trying.  And naturally, he won’t even respond to my appeal.  I just want to talk to him, to tell him… something.  I guess I’ll try to write him a simple message and hope he understands I really do care.

It was an emotional day, and I’m tired and drained by it all.   I am glad I went, though.