Missed Day
As I was making my morning coffee, I realized that I’d forgotten to post at all last night. Red Chief was puny, and I was distracted with trying to cheer him up. Both of the boys and I watched Moose and Squirrel in bed together until we fell asleep. Did you know that Rocky and Bullwinkle was around in 1959? I didn’t, but when I realized that they were speculating on the existence of moon men, I had Chris wiki it for me real quick.
In the midst of all of that, I just forgot all about the blog. I was furious at myself when I realized, though. I railed about how if someone else had asked me to promise to post every day, I’d have done it. But since it was a promise to myself, I broke it. Didn’t do the novel, no, so I’m going to stick with blogging, and still I don’t even make that. I’ve no idea why I don’t treat myself with the respect I’d treat others, but this is just another example, and typical. So close to being finished, and I blow it. Even now, looking at the clock, I wanted to just say “screw it” and go on, not blogging for the rest of the month.
I guess I’m pretty burnt out of blogging right now, if I tell the truth. I’m also struggling with other issues, and wondering where the line between utterly stressed out and grieving and truly depressed lies. Of course, if I decide I need more help, then I have to decide how to get it, what with the lack of income and all. One day at a time. I’m seriously sleeping too much. I suppose I should be proud of how well I have done, given the month, but all I saw was one more broken promise.
I’m aggravated at myself, but I am not allowing the typical “well, I blew it, let’s go the whole distance” tantrum that I’d normally throw to fully punish myself. I’m working on that self-forgiveness thing. It really isn’t that big a deal, if I look at it as if I’m another person. When it’s me,”good enough” doesn’t seem to exist. Right now tiny failures terrify me anyhow. I need to work past that, because the only cure for that is inactivity, which is unacceptable.