Missed Day

As I was mak­ing my morn­ing cof­fee, I real­ized that I’d for­got­ten to post at all last night.  Red Chief was puny, and I was dis­tracted with try­ing to cheer him up.  Both of the boys and I watched Moose and Squir­rel in bed together until we fell asleep.  Did you know that Rocky and Bull­win­kle was around in 1959?  I didn’t, but when I real­ized that they were spec­u­lat­ing on the exis­tence of moon men, I had Chris wiki it for me real quick.

In the midst of all of that, I just for­got all about the blog.  I was furi­ous at myself when I real­ized, though.  I railed about how if some­one else had asked me to promise to post every day, I’d have done it.  But since it was a promise to myself, I broke it. Didn’t do the novel, no, so I’m going to stick with blog­ging, and still I don’t even make that. I’ve no idea why I don’t treat myself with the respect I’d treat oth­ers, but this is just another exam­ple, and typ­i­cal.  So close to being fin­ished, and I blow it. Even now, look­ing at the clock, I wanted to just say “screw it” and go on, not blog­ging for the rest of the month.

I guess I’m pretty burnt out of blog­ging right now, if I tell the truth.  I’m also strug­gling with other issues, and won­der­ing where the line between utterly stressed out and griev­ing and truly depressed lies.  Of course, if I decide I need more help, then I have to decide how to get it, what with the lack of income and all.  One day at a time.  I’m seri­ously sleep­ing too much. I sup­pose I should be proud of how well I have done, given the month, but all I saw was one more bro­ken promise.

I’m aggra­vated at myself, but I am not allow­ing the typ­i­cal “well, I blew it, let’s go the whole dis­tance” tantrum that I’d nor­mally throw to fully pun­ish myself.  I’m work­ing on that self-forgiveness thing.  It really isn’t that big a deal, if I look at it as if I’m another per­son.  When it’s me,“good enough” doesn’t seem to exist.  Right now tiny fail­ures ter­rify me any­how.  I need to work past that, because the only cure for that is inac­tiv­ity, which is unacceptable.