On the Road Again

Thanks to Light­Bringer for com­ment­ing on my blog!  The email I got for the com­ment reminded me to come post some­thing or another.  I hadn’t for­got­ten the blog was here, exactly, more like just tucked it into the recesses of my brain.  It’s just weird.  I had these inten­tions and ideas and the blog is noth­ing like I thought it would be.  But then again, I didn’t expect things would be like this.

This week is Lauren’s birth­day.  I’m unhappy about that, of course.  Sad and heart­bro­ken.  I feel like post­ing here when I’m sad is tor­tur­ous some­times though.  It’s good and cathar­tic at the time, and then I come out here and go, Oh, yeah, I spilled my guts out here last time, how do I recover from that? I guess it’s just part and par­cel of hav­ing a blog, but I really hadn’t got­ten the hang of it just yet this June. Part of my new sched­ule does involve writ­ing, though.  And I’m mean­ing to do it extem­po­ra­ne­ously from now on, so that there’s less worry.  Have I said that before?  I’m not sure.  I’m kind of fuzzy in the brain lately.  Any­way, I don’t want to spend any more than 15 min­utes on a post, and what­ever comes out, comes out.  That way I don’t over­think and ago­nize, and I’ve got a fairly hon­est his­tory in front of me if I ever go back.

I am really liv­ing out what I intended, though, in case anyone’s won­der­ing.  I will admit that I’m hav­ing a few hic­cups with keep­ing on sched­ule.  Writ­ing is the part I tend to blow off the most.  I have been chug­ging away at the math, and I feel pretty good about being able to pass any Alge­bra II class at this point.  That might not seem like much, but I have taken my time build­ing a base and mak­ing sure I’m solid before mov­ing.  I’m really becom­ing more con­fi­dent in my abil­ity to reab­sorb this stuff!

I’ve also been bing­ing on music.  I think that’s where a lot of the writ­ing time is going. I crank up some­thing obnox­iously loud and jump in cir­cles and dance, often half naked because hey, the kids aren’t home so why not?  Too much infor­ma­tion?  Prob­a­bly.  But it’s been so good!  Maybe I should just have a ‘cre­ative expres­sion’ phase of my self-improvement.

I feel like some kind of men­tal patient who should be insti­tu­tion­al­ized when I talk about myself this way!  Which is fine, if I am, but I don’t think I am, which makes it all the harder!  I don’t know which way’s up, really.  I feel over­whelm­ing surges of power and focus, and  I want to move and shake and build things and climb moun­tains and slay drag­ons, but then I have times when I have to pull over and gasp for breath and call out for help because I’m just rav­aged with emo­tion.  I don’t want to be self-indulgent, and I have Big Plans that I need to work on.  Every­one says one foot in front of the other, but I want to skip all this char­ac­ter build­ing crap, honestly.

Any­way, I’m really truly doing some­thing, right now, even if I’m spo­radic at best out here. Going places that I’ve never been, see­ing things that I may never see again.