It’s getting to the point
where I’m no fun any more. I am sorry. Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud. I am lonely.
This week has been hectic, what with me temping at my apartment office, Boy Scouts and flag football starting up, and the rumor mill running me ragged. I want to address this last bit really quick, since there are people who are apparently very concerned about my business. Maybe they’ll bother to check this blog, but even if not, I need to vent a bit of frustration.
I love my brother very much. Anyone who knows me at all gets that. I put up with a lot of drama from the people he associated with throughout his life. I still am. I love my neices and nephew. They’re all I have left of him So, to you punks out there, don’t tell me what I believe, whether I love him, how I think of him, or that I “think the worst of him.” What I think of my brother is that I love him and he is dead. And I have a hard time believing that last one. He unfortunately made some very bad choices, and some of those were the people he associated with. I wish I could ask him what is going on with all of this, how to fix it, but I can’t. I’m pretty sure if he’d had those answers, he’d be alive right now himself.
Right now I’m not sure if someone is just hatefully, spitefully trying to kick me when I’m down, or sincerely think they are honoring my brother by filling me in about circumstances surrounding his death. I’ve been told a lot of things, and some of them HAVE to be lies, because there are direct contradictions. Yes, I do want answers, but I wish people would understand that his hell didn’t die with him. I guess because I was the closest person to him, I inherit it. I try to live with seeing his widow obviously dating already, and not returning my phone calls, as best as I can. That doesn’t mean I’m happy with it. It means I don’t know what to do!
If I have to outline my grief, my thoughts on everything, to prove I loved him, well, I’m going to meetings at least once a week, sometimes twice, to deal with my grief. I can’t hear regular turns of phrase like “I’ll give him enough rope to hang himself” or see something as stupid as Bone Thugz-N-Harmony without hyperventilating. My only sibling, the only person who grew up with me, is missing from my daily life. I have to get out of bed every morning and try not to lash out at everyone because the barely contained anger at others — who hold the key to the only people alive with his DNA in them– spills over onto anyone in range.
I need to learn how to set up boundaries to protect myself. I was told that last time at group. But I desperately want to understand. I can’t even figure out what is right to do. My heart is sick, my soul is battered, and I can’t think what else to do but vent.
Suite: Judy Blue Eyes
I love this song so much. It’s hard to listen to now, because it reminds me of the pain you are feeling, but I see that it’s also a song of hope.