Hey everybody.  Thanks for the support.  It means alot.  I think I’ve aged about 10 years in the past week.

Blogging really doesn’t hold a lot of appeal for me right now, but I want to keep some semblance of a routine up for my own mental health.  The lesson that your thoughts and responses shape your life has really been reinforced to me, and I want to be back to healthy and happy.  It’s possible that I’ll talk about my brother later, or my grief, or something, but I don’t know. I have found that writing out some of the garbage helps, but right now it’s really hard. I just hope that anyone reading this would remember in the hardest times of life, someone out there does love you, and would probably give anything to help you through whatever it is.

In other news, while I was gone, my husband installed Ubuntu on my computer, and it’s giving me absolute fits.  Originally I wanted a dual-boot, but I had a very irritating issue with Vista and Windows Update that kept recurring, so I had already decided to wipe it and start fresh. Hopefully the switch will be worth it. Coming home to a brand new computer is good. Right now I feel overwhelmed, in part because my brain is just not liking that I am forcing it to focus. I keep finding all sorts of bugs everywhere I turn. I appreciate this, because I’ve already learned much more by having to troubleshoot than I expected.

While I like to plunge headlong into things, I’m finding that troubleshooting isn’t enough to help me understand.  Today I’m going back to the beginning.  I plan on reading the Ubuntu Pocket Guide. The forums are there for me, too.  I know there’s some Ubuntu vets out there, somewhere.  Anyone have any suggestions for reading material or other aids?

So, I’m flying to go bring home my baby brother to bury him. I don’t think I’m going to be blogging for a bit. Sorry. Love to all.

Psychological profiling via Twitter!  It’s ultra-scientific! Here’s my TweetPsych profile, based on the 510 updates I’ve given so far. Of course, it would be more accurate if I were more experienced with Twitter.

“TweetPsych uses two linguistic analysis algorithms (RID and LIWC) to build a psychological profile of a person based on the content of their tweets. The service analyzes your last 1000 tweets and works best on users who have posted more than 1000 updates. It also works best on accounts that are operated by a single user and use Twitter in a conversational manner, rather than simply a content distribution platform. For more information read the blog post or follow the creator Dan Zarrella“

Hmmm… very enlightening.  Don’t judge me!

Continuing on with what I’ve learned from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, we reach the Habit I’m personally struggling with the most right now. If Stephen Covey is right that each of these habits builds on the last one, then I’ve got a long way to go, because #2 and #3 (Put first things first) are really where I know I get stuck.  Of course, since this is my greatest lack, this is also where the book was the most useful for me.

Indecision is probably my biggest weakness. I didn’t need a book to tell me that part.  I try to make it a strength, by using the time that I hesitate to explore all possible options, eliminate pitfalls, and psyching myself up.  Once I’ve made a decision, I tend to apply my entire being towards achieving my goals.  Having a goal is a lot easier to plan than flitting about aimlessly.  But how do I decide what “end” I want?  There are many suggestions in this chapter to help find this ultimate goal in life, from imagining my own funeral to writing out a personal mission statement. The crux of the matter is that to truly be effective at anything, the first step is to discern what is truly important.  What is my life supposed to be about, and is my life really reflective of those values?

I haven’t officially written a personal mission statement, but I have spent a great deal of time journaling in the past few years, exploring “what I want to do with my life.”   Indecision has always plagued me, partly because that question seems to only relate to a career path.  While that is one of the large defining aspects of most people’s lives, being a stay at home Mom for so many years has clouded the issue with emotion.  Covey’s way of looking at the issue helps tremendously.  Though I know it intellectually, this satisfies my emotional response that bucks against it simply being about a career.  In fact, a broader definition will aid me in reaching the goals I want to achieve.  By actually thinking it through and deciding what principles I believe in and can exemplify, I’m no longer doomed to drift along, indecisive, trying to pick the best path moment to moment based on what’s likely to be around the next bend.  I can pick my course more consciously with a long term end in mind.  Every day I can work towards the integrated whole, rather than trying to convince myself to pursue disjointed goals that don’t truly resonate with my entire vision, but just seem to be what I ought to do next.

I also don’t have to pick one path or the other if my goals are seemingly divergent, but really are flowing towards the same end.I can create new solutions that fit this new end, rather than settle for simply “Mom” or a given career path.  Obviously, I want to leave a legacy for my children, but also for the world. I want to have an indomitable spirit that perseveres through everything.   I want to be courageous, and inspire courage in others.  I want to be kind, and strong, and loving.  I want to touch the sky, and teach others they can, too.  By beginning with a proper end in mind, one that really speaks to me, I can effectively put my life into order properly to achieve that goal.

Dashama has started up a second 30 day yoga challenge, and I’m in! It’s not too late to join in with me, if you’d like.  All you have to do is go to youtube and search for her channel, and subscribe.  You check in to see the daily workout.  They’re not terribly long or time consuming, but they can be quite challenging.  The first day was a fast paced variation on the sun salutation that she encourages everyone to do every day of the 30 days.

Day 2 was on nutrition, and today is on meditation. So, there’s not that much you’ve missed as far as actual moves, if you want to hop on in for the month of June. I’ve been a slacker over the month of May, so this is a great kickstart for me to get back to my goals of being flexible and strong.

I’m also working on my 100 pushups, but I’ve allowed myself to get sidetracked there, too. Next week will be the third first week. I’m trying to get my family involved, too, but if that doesn’t work, then I’ll have to admit it and move on for myself. I’m planning to pair this with the 200 squats and 200 situps programs that are on the page, too.  That will take care of my strength and endurance building for the next 6 weeks.  Thirdly, Sarah has pointed me towards Run University. I’m really inspired by the couch to 10k program, so I’m going to try it.  Again, schedule and family threatens to interfere, so I haven’t quite worked out how I’m going to work this in just yet.  I’m working on it.  Just writing this up should keep me a bit more honest with myself.

I’d love to hear what you’re currently doing, or your plans, or even thoughts about my plan.  For me, all of these goals are pretty ambitious. Am I balancing goals that will motivate me well with a plan that won’t overtax me?  I’m hoping so.  I’m excited, because I’ll tackle strength, flexibility, and cardiovascular health.  This is the first time I’ve really come up with a plan that addresses all of those with goals for each.  Also, each of the programs starts small, so I’ll be working my way up instead of crashing and burning the first week. I’m hoping that the yoga augments the others well, by providing my muscles with some protection and counter stretching to all of it, so that’s what I’m using as my catalyst to take care of myself.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People has been my textbook for the last month. I’ve blogged about the introductory chapters, but haven’t delved into the individual habits themselves. Since it’s due back at the library this Friday, I won’t have it as a ready reference until I actually buy it for myself.  Reading it and examining my own life, I find I practice most of the habits in certain scenarios, and not at all in others. Since those tend to be the areas I truly shine and feel great confidence in, I can see the value of consciously applying the habits in all aspects of my daily life.

Each habit builds on the last, so the first habit, Be Proactive, is the most basic foundation of all effective people. Covey talks of Viktor Frankl, who lost almost all of his family in the concentration camps of Nazi Germany, as the embodiment of this term.  Frankl found meaning, despite everything that he lost, by thinking on how this would shape him years from now.  He managed to turn his very response to the time in the concentration camps into a time to develop a stellar character.  Eventually he influenced thousands of lives for the better by teaching this very lesson to others.

Humans have a unique capacity to choose the response to stimuli.  Proactive people take charge of their own consciousness.  Reactive people forego that ability, so if life is good, so are they, but if life is bad, they can’t help it. They allow themselves to become victims or martyrs to circumstance.  Certainly, knowing that my feelings are hurt because I allow it doesn’t take away disappointment or heartbreak.   But I can decide how it affects me.  Do I learn from it, or do I allow myself to become broken and jaded?  Do I allow my successes to make me complacent and spoiled, or am I grateful and hardworking as a result?  I have the choice.

When my kids were born, I felt for a long time that other people were running my life, and I felt a great resentment.   The less I stood up for myself, the more people used me as a doormat.  The foreclosure on my house snapped me out of that funk. It was huge — here I was doing everything everyone wanted me to, even though I saw a thousand ways things could be done better.  Did I do those things?  No, because I wanted to make everyone else happy.  Instead, I ended up miserable without a home.  In 7 days, I had to find a new place to live, with no credit and no money. Thank God for anger, because that was the fuel I ran on for a while. I also had friends for moral support, and I am very grateful to them.  There were even offers to bail us out, on the condition that the people bailing us out truly could run our financial lives. I had a chance to turn my life over again, and continue to blame other people for their active roles in crashing my finances and my family life.  Sadly, it was tempting at first, but that offer really sealed the lesson for me.

Against the wishes of extended family and friends, we chose to start taking control again. The people who had tried to take over our finances truly meant well, I think.  Honestly, following their plan would only have weakened our characters further.  Sure, we’d have learned humility, but at the cost of our own dignity and power.  The transition back to marital and fiscal health was painful and difficult, and I still struggle daily with my attitude.  But I will not allow myself to turn over my life to anyone else again, nor will I allow negativity to rule my life.  I do not blame anyone, not even my husband, for any of that mess today, because I could have stopped it.

After this habit, all the others seem fairly simple, actually.