This weekend, Red Chief turned 5 years old.  That’s a whole hand, you know.   We had all the hoopla that goes along with it.  We dined at Chuck E. Cheese’s and submitted to the boy’s every whim.  I even made the requested rainbow cake, exactly as ordered.  A rainbow of colors on top, with sprinkles of color on the inside.  Making six different colors of icing was a huge mess, and I need to work on my frosting skills.  Buttercream tastes exactly like toothache, also.   All in all, it was a huge success.   

This is a precursor to some big changes.  Life in my household is in a transition period. This youngling will be off to kindergarten in the fall, and that means an empty nest for me. I’ve been very focused on the kids for the last few years, because we’ve always planned for one parent to be at home until school years.  Now I’m ready for the next phase and turning a little more attention back to my own growth.  I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking about what that will mean over the years.  As I’m facing the actual situation, my thoughts have taken a surprising turn.

Should I just go into the workforce?  Some extra money would be lovely, and a relief for the whole family.  There’s so much financial stress on a one-income household right now, and we’ve certainly felt it.   I double majored in college in English and History.  I really phoned it in while I was in college, too.  I could have done so much better, and learned so much more.  The practical side of me wants me to put that education to good use immediately, making money and making our home more comfortable.  But something inside of me is screaming to go back and get the education I really wanted all along.

I’m 33 years old and haven’t taken a math or science course in roughly 13 years.  But now, I’ve decided to go back to school with the eventual goal of becoming an aerospace engineer.  Is that crazy?  If it does, maybe that just means it’s a good fit.  I haven’t hammered out the specifics just yet, and the other day I had a mini-freakout when I saw all the registration deadlines I’d missed and the tests I’d have to take.  My awesome Spousal Unit said the most incredibly supportive sentence to calm me down, “Relax.  You didn’t make this decision on a time line.  We’ll work all those details out.”

I know I’m going to be talking about how I came to this decision, and what it will mean and how it all is coming together in the time to come.  For now, I thought I’d just put the bare facts out there.  Part of the point of this blog is to have conversations with people about the insane stuff I’m thinking about and doing, right?  I’m trying hard to be a chicken about this, see how I’m using words that belittle my emotional stability?  But I refuse to give myself an out like that.  Letting people know truly I intend to go back to school for something so dramatically different actually makes it real.  I need the chance to talk directly, instead of alluding to nebulous upcoming changes.  So writing is both a relief and a terror to me.

The process of making this decision was a tough one.  I’ve still got a lot of doubts and practical concerns to wiggle out.  For example, money has been tight for a while now.  This isn’t directly addressing that issue.  Even though I do have a certain amount of tuition covered, money issues may become even more pressing.  Time management issues are going to certainly be tricky.  I don’t want my family to make huge sacrifices for this, and I’m certain I’m going to make some mistakes.  I’ve got to figure out how to balance my existing life with life as a student, and eventually, a career.

I’ll allow myself to be open-minded and change my mind about this, but I sincerely mean to give this an honest shot.  As long as I’m truly not allowing other people to make my decisions, I should not feel any shame in trying something that was the wrong fit.  I’m sure I’ll agonize and talk about every little step of the way, and second guess myself all over the place on here.   But I’ve wanted to try this for as long as I remember, and the only way I can see to deal with this desire is to work towards it.