After that last whiny pity party of a post, I didn’t even want to look at this effing blog anymore. (My hand still hurts, by the way, but it’s no longer purple or ginormous.) I decided to just wait until things felt right again, because I felt like it has been a platform for so much misery that it is painful even for ME to come out here. I know that people might be worried about me, writing a post like that and dropping off. I was so down in December. The holidays were brutal. So, Dear Readers, I figure it’s time to update you, and let you know that for the first time in a good while, I’m truly feeling great. I’m not just smiling in the mirror and waiting for the mood to match it, then seeing my own face and starting to cry. I’m actually forgetting about the damn mirror and living my own life again, and when I catch a glimpse of myself, it tends to be smirking or mischevious or in thought. That’s more honest than just a smile anyway, at least for me.
Right now I’m focused on a job search and getting some things in order, so it’s going to be spotty, but I feel so much more like ME and I want to express some of that again. So, here I am. Time for another reboot. I know many people hate New Year’s Resolutions and the like, but it’s a natural time to reevaluate for me. My birthday, my wedding anniversary, and the New Year all come within three weeks of each other. It’s a time of looking over the past year, seeing what has happened, and how to continue that path if it’s working, or to change it, if it’s not. I didn’t really consciously decide to change my attitude, though I’ve been trying to work on it steadily, but a switch seemed to flip for me on the last day of the year. The emotional significance on making it through the year strengthened me, and all the whining and misery kind of dropped off. Yeah, since then I’ve had bad moments, but mostly I’ve felt confident and optimistic again.
I wanted to start 2010 off with a bang, and I really managed to do most of what I wanted. No fireworks, but there was a gorgeous round full moon the night of New Year’s Eve. It was a blue moon and an eclipse was visible on the other side of the world, to boot. My year would be starting with beauty.
On New Year’s Day, we had the traditional collards, black eyed peas, and I even added cabbage in this year for good measure. I wore a pretty new sweater, to show I wanted more of the same. I didn’t do any cleaning at all — so as not to sweep the good luck out, and also not to spend the rest of the year cleaning up messes. I had friends over, and we had a good time. The luck and money gods have not been slighted this year. Hopefully they will reward me with heaps of green stuff and luck in my endeavors.
I think there really is something to starting the year off like that. While the charms and tokens might not in and of themselves bring the good luck, the attitude will, I truly believe. If I start out thinking, “2010 is going to suck as hard as 2009 did” — a FaceBook status I’d already read twice by noon January first — then the prophecy might be self-fulfilled. Yes, I know that the arena of uncontrollables is out there, waiting to zap me. I’m all too aware. But I’ve sustained a good half a month of really good days. I expect more to come.
I was in a wreck this Saturday. Not a big deal, really — the damage you see on the left is the worst of it. My fingers are jammed and it hurts to type because the airbag deployed into them. My neck and shoulders are actually pretty sore too, and random parts of my body. Everyone else was pretty much fine, and the cars were covered by insurance.
Have I mentioned being discouraged? I am. It’s funny, because that night I was feeling pretty good. I was even in the middle of a conversation when the wreck happened about plans for 2010, and how things were going to pick up really soon. Christmas had worked out pretty well, with the kids being royally spoiled by grandparents, and I was seeing a glimmer of something better. It’s typical. I dare to express hope and *BAM*!
Oh my gosh, I’m pulling up as hard as I can! I’ve got to be levelling off soon, right? I need someone to pet me; I need to catch a break; I need to remember how to breathe. 2009 isn’t over yet, but I hope the worst of the damage is over. I think my resolutions for 2010 are already written for me. I just need to fix just about everything in my life, starting with my outlook.
Only December to go to finish the year out! Hooray! I seriously hate this year. 2009 has been the suckfest of all my life. Oh, I know there may be worse times to come, but I don’t want to imagine it. I’m so sick of the holidays already, with all the cheer and the happy and family fun times, YAY! I want to enjoy it, and sometimes I do, but other times it makes me gag.
I read The Bell Jar today. Started it last night, really. I enjoyed it, very much in the same way I enjoyed The Catcher in the Rye, though I think today’s book was more pertinent to me. No real revelations, though. I can seriously empathize with mentally ill people, and there are times when I wonder if that just means I’m sick, too. So many conversations that I had with Lauren the week before he died, and me saying, “Me, too, I totally understand that!” and now I worry that there’s some hidden monster in me waiting to kill me. Especially on days when I just don’t want to get out of bed, when life just seems a dreaded chore, I worry. What would I do if something overcame me? Am I wired the same way?
Obviously, mental illness is on my mind, and the holidays, and so many other things. The parts of The Bell Jar I sympathized the most with, though, were the feminist portions, and the life decisions parts. Feeling paralyzed that one decision excludes all others is a very familiar conundrum to me. Right now I’ve got to choose something for survival that might throw me off a track that I was enthusiastic about, that I thought my whole passion was behind. Was it really? Was it driven out so easily because it wasn’t my passion, or am I just going through what all the books really say? Why don’t I believe that the books and the psychology apply to me? What is the right decision to make for my family? (What about the right decision for me? And why do I think to add that when I’m reviewing the blog post 10 minutes after I originally published it?)
Tomorrow it’ll be different, after the kids get up and get out of bed I’ll concentrate on them, and doing the laundry, and all the other steps that need doing. But now is the time I’m thinking and whirling in my mind and all I catch are shadows of what would have been if I weren’t such a dumbass and could figure it all out. And I don’t know what to do and I’m sick of not knowing what to do and I’m tired of walking into the other room to discreetly cry a few tears and then pull my hair down to hide my face behind.
So maybe the book did do me some good, and was cathartic, since I’m a wreck right now. I’m just going to revel in being free and having finished what I started.
As I was making my morning coffee, I realized that I’d forgotten to post at all last night. Red Chief was puny, and I was distracted with trying to cheer him up. Both of the boys and I watched Moose and Squirrel in bed together until we fell asleep. Did you know that Rocky and Bullwinkle was around in 1959? I didn’t, but when I realized that they were speculating on the existence of moon men, I had Chris wiki it for me real quick.
In the midst of all of that, I just forgot all about the blog. I was furious at myself when I realized, though. I railed about how if someone else had asked me to promise to post every day, I’d have done it. But since it was a promise to myself, I broke it. Didn’t do the novel, no, so I’m going to stick with blogging, and still I don’t even make that. I’ve no idea why I don’t treat myself with the respect I’d treat others, but this is just another example, and typical. So close to being finished, and I blow it. Even now, looking at the clock, I wanted to just say “screw it” and go on, not blogging for the rest of the month.
I guess I’m pretty burnt out of blogging right now, if I tell the truth. I’m also struggling with other issues, and wondering where the line between utterly stressed out and grieving and truly depressed lies. Of course, if I decide I need more help, then I have to decide how to get it, what with the lack of income and all. One day at a time. I’m seriously sleeping too much. I suppose I should be proud of how well I have done, given the month, but all I saw was one more broken promise.
I’m aggravated at myself, but I am not allowing the typical “well, I blew it, let’s go the whole distance” tantrum that I’d normally throw to fully punish myself. I’m working on that self-forgiveness thing. It really isn’t that big a deal, if I look at it as if I’m another person. When it’s me,”good enough” doesn’t seem to exist. Right now tiny failures terrify me anyhow. I need to work past that, because the only cure for that is inactivity, which is unacceptable.
While I think this picture is self explanatory, I guess there’s some people who won’t get it. The Iron Bowl was a great game, and Auburn really played well, but Alabama did win in the end. We found this poor Auburn fan half-heartedly yelling “Roll Tide Roll” at the top of her lungs in the middle of nowhere at an Exxon station. We assume that’s as close to civilization and true public humiliation that her family could come up with. I did ask her permission before taking the picture. She sighed, “Yes, I have to do that, too.”
Here’s the fruit of my late night labors, a pumpkin streusel pie. We do Thanksgiving as a sort of potluck where everyone brings their speciality. There’s usually no less than 10 desserts, but my humble contribution still doesn’t stand a chance.
We’re hitting the road in approximately 31 minutes, so I have to scoot. Let the record show that I’m thankful.
It’s 11:47 p.m. and I’m just remembering that I have a blog post to make! I’m really looking forward to taking a breather five days from now! Tomorrow I’ll try to post something or another in the wee hours before we head to Tupelo for our annual Turkey Day gluttony. Then the next post will be made late Friday evening as well. I’m squeaking by on this project, but Saturday I already got my knuckles rapped for my lack of novel manuscript.
I’ve got a pie in the oven, and am more than a little irritated at my ability to stretch deadlines to their ultimate load. I also have a bed full of clothing. I’m not quite sure where the procrastination set in, but I remember doing projects that were supposed to take weeks of work well into the wee hours of the morning ever since I was in 6th grade and had to write a project on Bolivia. It’s been a struggle for me my whole life. I sometimes wonder if I do it sometimes to add a challenge to otherwise uninspiring projects. Who knows? I certainly need to work on it, still, even at the old age of 33 and 11/12s.
And my husband just looked over at me and snickered before he cheered, “Go, Pea, Go!” Oh, that might be confusing. I’m allegedly the sweet variety of pea, to clarify.
Not super talky tonight in general. I’ve been a bit blue today, because it’s not really all that weird to hate goodbyes. My visitors are off to their Thanksgiving vacation, and I’ve already been missing them something fierce.
To top off the blue feeling, I just watched a video for survivors of suicide. My brother is conspicuously absent too, and with the upcoming holiday and game I feel it keenly. There was a little mnemonic presented to anyone wanting to help anyone else who was grieving or dealing with a loss that I thought was particularly insightful. The three Hs were to Hug, Hush, and Hang out. That sounds just about right to me.
Of course, being showered with kisses by a kindergartener helps too. So does watching a second grader be goofy with his new foam bullet gun, and arguing about which Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle everyone in the family represents. I highly recommend borrowing a couple of grimy little boys the next time you’re feeling sad.
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